he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
