Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
