So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
