I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
