My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
