why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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