fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My cat gives me a boner
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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