How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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