Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
