I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
