It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
