I am puke
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
