i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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