dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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