Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
