the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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