I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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