I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
