I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
