Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
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Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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