i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
