Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
