im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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