Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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