I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
