Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
