I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
