I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
