my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
