so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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