Just cropdusted the office
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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