I accidentally had phone sex last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
time to smoke my breakfast
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
