i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
