New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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