i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
