i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
