It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
