also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
