Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
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all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
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Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you