I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
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You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.