i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
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Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.