I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
