i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All the doctor said was why
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
