You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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