peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
