Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
