When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.