Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.