My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
