God, you're like boner-b-gone
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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