I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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