I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
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She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass