I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
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No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.