All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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