If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
