why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
