When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
