Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
sex in a hospital.. check
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
