i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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