He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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