omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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